Remembering the Rain
by Shinji the 600 Assassin
Summary: ‘Rain… the great equalizer’.... Several long years after his greatest failure, a man remembers, and in the process runs into another like him.... Read And Review


REMEMBERING THE RAIN 

(By Shinji (The 6:00 Assassin)

Standard Disclaimer applies here. I don't own Gainax; therefore I don't own Evangelion… However, I do own the Babybel that, at the moment, I am chewing thoughtfully on. – Shinji (the 6:00 Assassin)

"I say"

_'I think'_

----flashback----

(===Scene Change===)

_Born in a dry season  
Wind and sand have blown through me  
Haven't found shade anywhere  
Only moments of relief  
But sometimes I think I hear the thunder  
Somewhere on the horizon line  
If I could just find a way to get under  
The rain that can reach this soul of mine  
   
I pray for rain to come  
And wash away what's made me numb  
I pray for a ragging storm  
To drown what's in me  
And the rain comes in the nick of time  
I swallow hard cause my throat's been dry_

- Pray For Rain

            _'Pit-pit-pit-pat-pit-pat-pit-pat-patter-patter-patter'_, came the sounds of raindrops falling on a young man's coat. He brushed his wet brown hair out of his eyes as he paused for a moment to look at the sky, seeming not to care whether or not he got wet; even as most headed indoors or brought out their umbrellas. It was a hard rain that fell on a weathered Shinji Ikari as he resumed walking at a leisurely pace. 

            _'Rain… the great equalizer,'_ he thought as he took in the feelings that rain brought him. The feeling of being equal, of being the same as everyone else, was what the rain brought him. Rain didn't care who you were, or what you had or had not done… It treated everyone with indifference; it simply fell on everyone... Poor, rich, famous, unknown, dead, alive, nurse, cop, taxi-driver, pilot… They were all the same in its eyes. It was one of his few remaining joys, walking in the rain. At least it was one of the last joys he permitted himself.

_'I wish I could be like the rain… Why can't I be numb like it? Don't I deserve to feel that way?'_ he thought as he took another look at the darkened sky, wondering why he had been forced to stay in this miserable world. It had been three years since his previous life had ended abruptly. Everyone he had cared for was gone now. They had been casualties in the last battle of the Angel War, which had been (ironically enough) between the forces of humanity.  Most of them non-combatants, executed by the JSSDF in their attempt to take over NERV, slain by SEELE when they had felt that the takeover wasn't happening fast enough… killed by NERV when they had been sent out into combat… dead… All of them… All because of his failure. 

The least he could do now was pay respects to them. And so he had come here again, just as he had for the past three years to the ruins of the Geofront… Only this time he had come to a completely rebuilt Tokyo-03. It felt strange, walking through the same streets that had once borne witness to the fury of Angels and Evangelions…. He still had the layout of the city memorized. He looked to his left… A small café on the ground floor of a several storey high building, filled with people taking refuge from the elements piqued his interest as he called on his mental map. _'A rocket battery… I wonder if those people know that they sit in what was once a weapon?' _Shinji chuckled as he shook his head. As he did so, a small flower shop on the other side of the street caught his eye. _'Perfect',_ he thought as he changed direction. He didn't even bother checking to see if it was safe. 

He took a deep breath as he entered the small shop, letting the numerous scents fill his nostrils. _'Smells so alive here…'_ Shinji noted as he began browsing. None of the other patrons paid him any attention. Shinji found this both encouraging and discouraging. _'All hail Shinji! Savior of Man! Slayer of Angels! The Invincible Third Child! How quickly they've forgotten us all…'_he laughed in spite of himself. He and the other pilots had been hailed as heroes shortly after the Geofront Massacre. A monument dedicated to the five of them stood in a small square just outside the ruined pyramid that had once been NERV headquarters; which had been closed off by UN Special Forces, with entry forbidden to all. Spread out around the square were the marked graves of over ten thousand NERV personnel, each had been killed in the line of duty for the organization. 

Shinji picked out seven bouquets, each one different, and walked over to the front counter with them. A blonde woman stood by the register, looking as if she was bored out of her mind. She stared as she watched him gently lay the bouquets down onto the counter. 

"Well, you must have screwed up pretty bad to have to buy that many flowers," she joked as she began scanning the bouquets. Shinji knew that she had been joking, just making casual, light-hearted conversation, and that she had no way of knowing the extent of his failures… Yet he couldn't help but feel that his shame, his guilt, was being projected onto those around him. 

"Well, Am I right?" the blonde asked, curious to know more. After all, it wasn't every day that a guy came in, buying seven bouquets… "You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Shinji told her, pulling out his wallet. The woman simply folder her arms across her chest and gave him a look that just screamed '_Try me'_. A few seconds later she actually said it. On any other day, Shinji would have just paid and left, without as much as a word being spoken… But today… today he felt strangely charitable. Maybe it was because he felt that on this day he felt an obligation to try to make amends in any way possible. Or it could just have been the rain… It always made him feel better. 

"All right then… Try this on for size… Take a good look at me and tell me who I am…or rather, who I was" he asked the woman, a grim smile on his face. The blonde stared at his face for a few moments before she finally recognized him. Shinji had to force himself not to laugh as the realization of who he was finally sank into the woman's mind. "Shinji Ikari? Nah… Can't be!" the blonde exclaimed looking away. "It can and is… The one and only" Shinji said with a sigh, pulling out his old NERV ID card. "Mr. Ikari! I…this...sorry…" she stuttered, fumbling for words for a moment before Shinji silenced her with a simple hand gesture_. 'Seems that there really are no more believers… But is that a good thing or a bad thing?'_ he wondered as he watched the woman hastily finish scanning his purchases. 

"No one needs to know that I was here", he said softly, watching the other patrons who were beginning to look in his direction. "How much will that be?" he asked, holding his wallet at the ready. The blonde nodded before answering. "That'll be 8,448 yen, sir".

Shinji quickly forked over the amount, thanked her, picked up his purchases and exited. 

            He smiled as he stepped back out into the rain. It wasn't nearly as hard as it had been before he had entered the shop_. 'I suppose everything must fade away, eventually'_, he mused as he applied (mentally) the principle to himself. His dark blue eyes had lost most of their depth and vitality. What had once been a deep ocean in which one could drown in was now but a shallow pool…  Shinji also felt old, much older than he should have. He knew why. He had experienced things that normal teenagers shouldn't have. His body had, time after time, been pushed to its limits, forced to endure pain that Shinji had thought impossible. The most damaged part of him was his heart though. He had opened his heart to others, only to have it ripped apart, piece by bloody piece… till only a tiny portion remained unscathed. He had long since locked it away deep down inside of him. Never again would he make the same mistake. _'They can't hurt you if you don't allow them inside…'_he sighed again. He felt that, in retrospect, perhaps it would have been better had he never set foot in Tokyo-03. 

            _'Damn you Father! Why? Why did you call on me, back then? Why did you have to give me that damned purpose?'_ he cursed, his right hand clenching and unclenching slowly, anger flooding him. It faded as quickly as it had come when he remembered the Commander's demise. His body had been torn asunder by massed JSSDF machine gun fire, and then left for dead. 

He had tried to crawl, to wherever he had been going before the commandos had caught up with him, only to die from blood loss, agony gripping him as he tried to move. It had been a slow painful death from what Shinji had seen. One that he had found himself wishing on his Father many times throughout the war. 

"Well, I got what I wanted, didn't I?" he muttered, "I got everything I thought I had wanted…" He sighed again as he picked up the pace, he was nearing an access tunnel that would take him down into the Geofront… and more importantly, Headquarters. _'When the Gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers'_ Shinji quoted as he opened the door that would take him where he wanted to go.

(================================)

            Standing in a doorway, trying not to get wet, was a thin brown-haired teenager. She sighed as she leaned back, taking comfort in her warm overcoat. _'It's been raining for days…' _Hikari Horaki thought, feeling rather dismal as she clutched a few bouquets in her left hand. She exhaled softly as she remembered the past few months.

            She had moved back to Tokyo-03 four months ago along with her older sister. The two were living in a small apartment not too far off from where the original Horaki household had been located. The first few weeks had been rather hard. They could barely afford furniture… or rent for that matter. Her older sister, Kodama had managed to get a job as a waitress, a week after they had moved in, it wasn't a lot of money, but it had been enough to keep them afloat. A few days later Hikari had gotten herself a job working in a restaurant… washing dishes. Considering that she'd rather have been cooking, the first month had been torture. After sampling some of her lunch one day, the head chef had immediately promoted Hikari. It had been a dream come true for her… However, even after that it still wasn't easy… For one thing, she was still trying to get into Tokyo University… and the fact that she had to cope with all of the bad memories associated with the city weren't helping.

            A loud squawk and the feeling of something sharp poking at her legs brought her out of her thoughts. Hikari looked down at the warm water penguin poking her, and smiled. "Let me guess Pen-Pen, you want to get going?" she asked. Pen-Pen nodded. Hikari's smile faded a bit as she remembered how she had come by the penguin.

 The highly intelligent (Hikari swore that he could understand everything she was saying) bird had been entrusted to her family by the late Misato Katsuragi shortly after the original Tokyo-03 had been destroyed. Ever since then, Hikari had been taking care of him. It had been worth it, as time and time again, the penguin had comforted her whenever she needed. He had somehow managed to help her move past the grief of losing family, friends and one who could have been so much more… Now he was a much appreciated companion.

"You do realize that I don't have a…" Hikari stated flatly just as Pen-Pen held up an, "…umbrella" She took it from his outstretched wing and opened it. She crouched down to pet his soft feathered head. "I have no idea where you found this, but I can see you're still handy as ever. Thanks!" she grinned as she stood up and took a step out from the doorway. "Off we go" she sighed as the two set off…. The rain continued to fall.

(================================)

Darkness took Shinji as he slowly made his way through a tight maintenance shaft. 'Was a lot bigger last time around' he groaned, letting his bag fall before him as he slid down the long shaft that would bring him down to an emergency access route. A soft thud told him that his bag had reached the bottom. He followed suit as he let go and fell the last eight feet, hitting hard metal. A loud CLANG! reverberated through-out the darkness as he impacted. After getting up, he felt around for his bag… finding it a moment later. He quickly rummaged through it, looking for the flashlight he had packed. 

A few seconds later a beam of light burst forth and tried to illuminate the massive tunnel. The same one that, had need arisen, he would have crawled through via Evangelion… the same one that linked directly to NERV HQ. Shinji hoped that the access codes hadn't been changed as he doubted that there was a manual release. _'If I'm really lucky, it'll still be open', _he prayed silently as he pulled his wet flower filled bag on, and began searching for the two giant blast doors that would grant him access to the ruined interior of NERV.

After a few minutes Shinji realized that he had taken the wrong shaft, and was further away than he had expected. _'Four hundred meters…'_Shinji calculated as he called on his mental map of the place. 'Well, nothing to be done about it', he sighed as he began walking, the only sounds being that of his foot falls and the inconsistent yet omnipresent drip-drip-drip of water falling from his body. 

_'This is nice',_ Shinji thought, as he began to enjoy the silence. It let him think… In this case, it let him think about the future. 

Only a month ago, he had contemplated moving back to Tokyo-03. With the amount of money he still received from the UN for his services, he could easily find a nice apartment somewhere in the downtown core, and live there free for the next three or so years. He started thinking about it again. Tokyo-03 had been re-built, it wasn't the same city. It was new, practically free of its past. _'It would make a good starting point for a new life…'_ he mused as his mind ran through several possibilities. 

He could easily make a very good living working as a cook, considering his culinary skills had been finely honed during his three years of wandering. Or he could (with a lot of extra practice) possibly join the orchestra… Now there was a lofty goal_! 'A new me… no more pilots... no more Third child… no more guilt…no more wandering… Even now everyone would rather believe all of NERV dead…' _Shinji lied to himself. 

His hands were too stained with blood in order for him to ever start a new life. The blood of angels, of friends, of possible lovers, of mothers… all of these was on his conscience, and even if they hadn't been, how could he forget those that had given him a life? 

Shinji's thoughts began turning towards his existence, pre-Angel War_. 'It was safe at Uncle's… no one expected anything of me… I didn't have to do anything, and so nothing happened… nor would it have, had I never been chosen… I'd probably still there now, just existing…serving no purpose,'_ he reflected as he kept walking along the featureless steel path before him. _'NERV forced me to awake from that meaningless dream… Tokyo-03 changed me; it broke m, so that it could create the person I am now'_

"I'm as much yours as you are mine", Shinji said, pausing to let the statement sink in. Distorted echoes assaulted his ears as his original message bounced about the tunnel. _'I'm glad you hear me'_, Shinji thought as he resumed his long walk of silence.

(================================)

Hikari and Pen-Pen stood at the entrance of the Geofront, looking down at the pristine lake in the centre of it. "It's changed, hasn't it?" Hikari asked herself aloud. "What was that, dear?" and elderly woman nearby asked her. "Oh… sorry, I was just thinking out loud", Hikari explained, blushing slightly. "Come again, dear?" the old woman asked, squinting at Pen-Pen, whom simply shrugged off her glare.

"Never mind", Hikari sighed, as she and Pen-Pen walked past the seemingly deaf woman and towards the lifts. Her gaze shifted to the mass of crosses below her. Somewhere in that sea lay her father. "Daddy", she whispered, taking a last look at the graveyard before boarding the lift that would take her down to it. She remembered her father… Her father the brilliant scientist, her father the widower, her father the lonely man, her father the raging alcoholic….The loss of her mother had hit him hard. _'It's a good thing he died before Nozomi did… I don't think he would have been able to take another one…'_ Hikari mused as she leaned against one of the lift's walls. _'When mom died she took a piece of dad with her…'_she thought sadly as she got off of the lift… 

Hikari found herself thinking of all the times he had hurt her and her sisters… It had been one of the reasons why she had enjoyed her position as class representative so much… For a few hours of her life, she had been in control… no longer at the mercy of her father's ill tempers. 

But those days didn't last… _'They never do…'_ Hikari thought sadly as she remembered the death of the original Tokyo-03. 

There had been a bright flash of light… then a deafening roar as the shockwave passed through the city leveling all in its way, leaving not a single building standing. Soon afterwards there had been another bright flash of light…. This slowly dimmed, bathing the area in a wash of orange and yellow. 

When that subsided, there was nothing… Only the half buried form of an Evangelion…. In one swift blow, the Angel had taken her home from her… The fact that it had been destroyed along with it had been small consolation for her….

(================================)

            Shinji could hardly believe his good luck as he finally closed in on the doors. After a quick pass with his flashlight, he quickly picked out a halved NERV emblem not too far away, which meant that there was a gap that he could squeeze through. 

            "Bingo…" Shinji grinned as his hopes proved true… The gap was more than wide enough for him to slip though. After a brisk walk through a dizzying maze of corridors, Shinji finally found his destination… the remains of the Evangelion cages. The entire area laid in ruins… a light layer of fog hung above its depths… 

            Out of these depths, and of time itself lay two monstrous figures locked in an eternal combat… neither moving… frozen in place. 

            "Evangelion…Savior and Destroyer…" Shinji stated as he pulled out a pair of bouquets. Forget-me-nots….  He walked out to the edge of the shattered umbilical bridge, and kneeled down to lay the flowers before the two giants, almost like an offering to two Gods… 

Shinji slowly traced the scar on his face as he looked at his Unit-01… It had an identical gash that ran along its cheek. It was one of many scars… Shinji had several others in more than one place… His chest, for example, was a web of gashes and cuts. However, it wasn't the physical scarring that had been bothering Shinji all of these years… It was the mental beating he had been forced to endure, time after time… that and the ever present guilt that left him feeling as if he had been backhanded by one of the beasts before him.  

"It's been a while hasn't it? I'm sorry that I couldn't come before. This place is now restricted to all but UN personnel… Heck, they have armed guards patrolling the perimeter of this complex… It took me a bit of time to remember how to get in undetected," Shinji said quietly as he sat down on a fallen beam_. 'That and I couldn't gather the courage to face this again…'_ he sighed, as unwanted memories came back.

-------------------

"Asuka…. Asuka?! NOOOOOOOOO!" Shinji screamed as the last vestiges of his sanity shattered and fell away from him. Hundreds of emotions swirled within him, all battling for supremacy, until two base emotions remained…. 

Despair… bottomless despair… One so deep and complete that it could easily drown him in its bitter waters. Everyone that mattered to him was gone, so what was the point of continuing his damned existence? He wanted to crawl away into some dark and wretched hole and die…

And then….

Rage, a burning anger… A white hot fire that consumed him, barely restrained or doused by the damp blanket of despair. This was his breaking point. Now was the time to give into the flame. He wanted to see the world burn before him, torn apart by untamed fury and passion.

Long moments passed and Shinji sat in silence, sitting in the dark space between destruction and death; waiting for a path to surface.

And then it happened. The decision was made for him as his frail grip on everything finally slipped. 'I will see you burning', he thought as he looked out at the world beyond his Evangelion… the world that had pushed him too far, finally causing him to break. Shinji closed his eyes, and let the fire consume.

One by one he took down the Mass Production Evangelions, symbols of those that had taken his everything. He showed no mercy, and cared not if they had pilots so lost in his fury he was… They had killed… They had killed! And for that they too died, as Shinji ripped out their throats, broke them apart, and mutilated them. Till there was one left. 

It had stood there silently, grinning stupidly, watching him with an eyeless stare as Shinji had butchered its brother units. It bore a lance, a replica of the one that Rei had used to kill the Angel that had defiled Asuka's mind… just one of the many that had skewered her as she screamed in defiance of these demons. 

Shinji raised his two bloodied progressive knives in a strange sort of salute. This one would see it coming… His final victim simply grinned as it charged forward. 

"Kill you… kill you… I'll KILL YOU," Shinji screeched as he lashed out, trying desperately to sink his knives into foul being's flesh, to see it carved up and broken, just as Asuka and her Unit was. 

It would prove to be more difficult than anticipated as the other Eva quickly parried with its lance, throwing Shinji slightly off balance. It took advantage of this and tried to thrust it's blade into his very core. Shinji dodged, but not nearly fast enough… The lance tip sliced through armor plate and flesh leaving long gashes on his chest as it broke free of them. 

Shinji shrugged it off for the moment, and swiftly countered with a series of strikes to the others throat, chest, and arms. Time and time again, the opposing Eva blocked or dodged. 

"Damn it…" Shinji cursed in between ragged breaths as pain filled him. He then realized that he himself was bleeding, from the very same spot that his Evangelion had been cut. He couldn't afford to lose this fight… he had to fight smarter…

-------------------

            "Got you in the end… though not before you scratched me a few times," Shinji laughed as he stared at the still bloody Evangelions before him.

-------------------

            Shinji finally let go… His enemy lay vanquished before him, Third Impact had failed… but all of this was at a terrible price. 

            Misato, Rei, Asuka (surely), and God knew how many others were dead. He was severely wounded in both body and soul. His heart was heavy with anguish and yet he still found the will to go on. He had no other choice, he had obligations now. 

            Through him, and in him, a woman had tried to live her dreams, her hopes. Thanks to him, a girl had found something worth living… and dying for. And because of him, another girl lay dying now after overcoming overwhelming odds, a broken doll with his name on her lips as they both lay in their plugs bleeding.

            It was too late to save two, but perhaps, one might survive. 'I still have to try', Shinji thought.

-------------------

            "Too much… I don't want to remember this… I'm sorry… Goodbye Mother, take care of Father for me…" Shinji said quietly as he turned to leave. The pair of bouquets marked the place where he had exited the plug all those years ago. Flowers, lying side by side, with dry blood forming a halo around the two… seemingly binding them.

            _'They're all together now… and it's because of me,'_ Shinji thought with an odd sort of satisfaction as he began searching for a safe exit into the Geofront.

(================================)

Kenshiro Horaki

1969 – 2016

(================================)

            Shinji exhaled as he calmly walked out of HQ, welcoming the fresh air that rushed into his nostrils. There had been a foul air within the halls of NERV. It had never been completely cleared out. Shinji tried hard to forget the cause of the odor… 

            "Corpses… A city of corpses is all that this place is now…" Shinji said quietly as he looked out into the sea of graves before him. Within the center of this sea was a grand monument, floating high above the waves of markers.

            "Our graves," Shinji whispered as he swam for it. 

-------------------

            Asuka?... ASUKA!" Shinji shouted as he opened Unit-02's entry plug… Not even waiting for the flood of LCL mixed with blood to subside before he squeezed in through the emergency hatch. 'Please be alive… Please be alive…' he thought frantically as he wiped the blood from his eyes. The sight that sat before him knocked the wind from him… literally. A plug suited figure lunged out at him from the darkness, trying (feebly) to choke him with a single hand.

            "Shinji…" Asuka croaked, collapsing into his arms. He held her tightly now… feeling the warmth of her blood pour out over him. Asuka's right arm hung limply by her side, blood trickling from it. Tears of red ran from her left eye. No longer bright blue and full of life… now it was a solid crimson orb, burning him with its glare. 

            In short, she looked as if she had clawed her way through hell, picking and losing several vicious fights on the way. Her weak grip on his throat loosened, and her expression lost its ferocity… softening to form an incomplete picture. A picture from a happier, if not as dangerous, past.

            "Why?" Asuka whispered, trying to force herself out of Shinji's arms. "Why didn't you come?"

            "I…I…I'm sorry," Shinji said quietly, turning his eyes downward, watching the orange of the LCL become redder, and redder. He waited for a rebuke, for an insult, for anything…. 

            Seconds turned into minutes, and no answer came….  Only the gentle sound of a falling corpse… and the soft pitter patter of rain…

-------------------

"I hope you're happy… wherever you may be…" Hikari whispered softly as she finally got up from her vigil at her father's tombstone. "Fare thee well, father", she said coldly, a single tear making it's way down her face, as she turned and set out for her last anchor in the past… The Pilot Memorial… _'Almost done, almost free…'_ Hikari thought sadly. In truth it was the real reason she had come down into the massive crypt… To pay one last tribute to the deceased, so that she could finally let go… 

(================================)

Shinji stared into his own eyes… 'Hmm… Lifeless… just as I thought they would be,' he thought as he continued to study the monument dedicated to him and his comrades-in-arms. The massive base was composed of a solid black slab, on which a giant hand rested; it too was fashioned from black stone. Towering above him on each finger, stood a plug suited figure… Shades of gray with brilliant ivory wings… And standing tall in the hand's palm was a painfully familiar woman… 

"Misato Katsuragi…" Shinji whispered as he returned the statue's stare for a few moments before doing the same with the others. "Touji Suzahara… Rei Ayanami… Asuka Langley Sohryu, Kaworu Nagisa…. And front center… Shinji Ikari," he named them off... instantly recalling date of birth and date of death. He then began to read the plaque on the front of the base. "Guardian Angels lie buried here…. God is in his heaven, all is right with the world" Shinji read off of the plaque.

A half lie… like almost everything connected to NERV. Only two of the six figures actually lay buried beneath the monument. 

"How ironic… that Touji and Asuka would be buried side by side…" Shinji sighed, as was reminded of how the two old foes had battled verbally, day in and day out.

"Gone… those days, and the people that lived in them…" Shinji whispered, his voice cracking, "Misato"

-------------------

Misato Katsuragi slumped against the wall beside the elevator that would take Shinji to his Unit-01. "Th...that should hold them off... for a while," she said through grit teeth, clutching her side. Seeing the worried look on Shinji's face, she tried to re-assure him. "I'm okay... It's not as serious... as it looks," she lied as she staggered to her feet, hitting the open button. The gate on the elevator slid open, confirming her hope. "There's still power… we can make it!" she smiled before pinning Shinji against the still closed inner door of it with her weight. She took a moment to gather her thoughts before speaking again. "Shinji... from here on out you're on your own…you'll have to make the decisions by yourself, without my or anyone else's help". 

"I... I can't do it. I just can't... I can't pilot Eva if it means I'm going to hurt or even kill other people," Shinji replied weakly, keeping his eyes earthbound, "I have no right to do that." The feelings and thoughts just came pouring out of Shinji…  
            "I thought that piloting Eva was my only choice... But I was just fooling myself. I don't understand anything! I'm not worthy to pilot Eva anymore…There's nothing that I can do for other people! I've done terrible things to Asuka… Hell, I killed Kaworu! There isn't a shred of human decency in me! Only dishonesty and cowardice... If I can only hurt people, then I'd rather not do anything at all!" he shouted at himself, focusing his self-hatred.

Misato's reaction was not what Shinji had been expecting… but then again, Shinji was too lost in his own depression to know or care anymore… Or so he thought.  
"I'm not going to feel sorry for you…if you don't want to be hurt, then you might as well just lay  down and die here… knowing you did nothing! Misato's words proved to be too harsh for the already fragile Shinji, as tears made their way down his face. "Crying won't help you now!"

            Misato took another deep breath before softening her tone… knowing full well that she had to get the young man to pilot one last time. She tried a different approach. "You hate yourself, right? That's why you hurt other people... Because you know that hurting other people is more painful than hurting yourself. But, no matter what happens, remember that it was your decision. And that is what makes it worthwhile, Shinji - because you decided to do it…it was your choice… made of your own free will.    
So stop lying to yourself... Think about what you can do... And then live with your decisions-" 

"But you're... you're not me! You don't understand anything about ME!! ," Shinji shouted cutting her off in mid sentence. Misato slammed Shinji against the gate, hard. She was growing sick and tired of him… Asuka was depending on her to get Shinji out there. Hell! The human race was counting on this boy to prevent Third Impact… It wasn't fair! "So what if I'm not you!? Are you just going to give up now!? If you stay here and do nothing, I won't forgive you! I'll NEVER forgive you as long as I live!" she screamed at him, clutching him with trembling hands. 

Long moments passed before she spoke again. This time it was with a tone of desperation. "Look Shinji…nobody is perfect. You realize that you've made a mistake and then end up regretting it..." she said, fighting to stave off death, if only for a little while. She continued with what she knew would be one of her last breaths…"That's all I've ever known, nothing but empty happiness and self-hatred…however... I feel like I always grew from the experience!" 

Shinji watched, wide eyed… Misato smiled at him… and her voice grew gentle once more. "Listen, Shinji…pilot Eva once more and find yourself. Pilot it to face the questions… why you're here and how you came to be here….Find your own answers.   
And then... after finding yourself... come back to me" she whispered to him, undoing her necklace and placing it into his hand. Shinji looked hard at the cross, as if to find it's meaning… its purpose. He looked into Misato's eyes, a look of confusion in his.

            But he found no answers in her eyes… Just the unspoken words "Just go…" And then, something completely unexpected happened. Misato pulled Shinji close to her, and kissed him… kissed him the way Asuka had. _'Why is she? How… this isn't…. right…'_ he thought frantically before she broke it off… "Shinji, that was a grownup kiss…We'll do the rest when you get back..." she said before pushing a very stunned Shinji into the elevator. 

            The last thing Shinji saw before the doors closed was an angelic Misato, smiling at him…

-------------------

_'But she wasn't the only one that I might have saved… Touji was one of those as well…' _Shinji thought as he recalled his friend's fate…. Touji Suzahara had died shortly after the 03 incident. He had succumbed to the numerous wounds he had been dealt when his possessed Evangelion was ripped apart. Ripped apart by Shinji's hands… Shinji's unmoving, unwilling hands… 

He had never forgiven himself for it. Even though he had been told by countless people that there was nothing he could have done, he knew that it had been his fault. His fault for not trying. 'I didn't even try to save him… I just sat there and did nothing…' Shinji thought, 'and then, there have been others, that I couldn't have saved… or worse yet, killed myself.' Memories of Rei Ayanami and Kaworu Nagisa flashed by… He never found out what had happened to the mysterious blue-haired girl.  She had disappeared during the end days… probably dead. Still, Shinji had always wondered, just what her fate had been… 

            '_You killed them… simple as that… Misato, Rei, Asuka, Kaworu, Touji…. You couldn't save them! Damn it, what's wrong with you? Why couldn't you save them?'_ Shinji thought bitterly, 'Why couldn't you have taken me instead?'

            "But NO! You didn't… You killed them! YOU KILLED THEM ALL!" Shinji shouted, staring into the eyes of his cold winged doppelganger. He lost control… and began venting at the representation (or in his mind, cause of) everything that had gone wrong for the previous inhabitants of the city.

-------------------

            "Suzahara…"

            _Beep...Beep_

            "…. Class Rep?" asked the tired voice of Touji Suzahara; Fourth Child, pilot of a broken Evangelion. Touji Suzahara; best friend of Shinji Ikari, brother to the broken little girl, Mari Suzahara. Touji Suzahara; a young man shattered in heart and body…lying on what would be his death bed.

            Hikari tried hard to keep from blushing. She stumbled over her words for a moment before delivering her message. "Er, I'm here on official duty as…"

            "Class representative, I know" Touji sighed, his eyes barely open. Hikari looked away, 'You don't know anything…' she thought before asking him if he was ok. _'Stupid question, Hikari!' _she rebuked herself as she glanced at him out of the corner of her eye.

            The first thing she noticed was the absence of his left leg… A tangled web of bandages and tourniquets encompassed his torso, and most of the left side of his body… One of his eyes was hidden from view by a bandage that was wound tightly around his head… It was still stained with blood. '_My god… What happened to him?'_ she wondered, feeling worried.  "I'm alive… I guess…. I thought Shinji was here though… in the bed next to mine… Or was that just a dream?" Touji asked, turning his visible eye towards her. 

            "Oh… Ikari was released two days ago, you've been asleep for almost a week" Hikari answered quickly, without even thinking about it. "Wow… a week… are you sure you were only here as….a rep?" he smiled weakly. Hikari blushed furiously. "Yes, I'm quite certain!" she said defensively. "All right…. I apologize…" Touji said, taking a deep breath. "I'm… sorry that I never got to eat the lunch that you made…"

            Hikari blushed even harder. _'I knew he cared… I knew it!'_ she thought as she basked in that warm thought. Then cold reality hit her again… "You shouldn't worry about stuff like that", she said softly before blurting out, "I tried to bring you a lunch, but the hospital regulations wouldn't allow it… I'm sorry"

            There was a long silence after that. Neither looked at the other during that period. Both of them were dwelling on their thoughts.

            "Class rep… I have… a favor to ask of you" Touji said, breaking the awkward silence.   
            "Yes?" Hikari asked, wondering what it was… Numerous fantasies of hers rampaged through her mind, making her slightly weak-kneed. Finally Touji spoke. "Can you please tell my sister… that nothing's wrong with me?" he said, putting the fantasies to a stop for the moment. Hikari nodded. "And now, I guess I have a favor of my own to ask…" she said shortly afterwards. Touji nodded weakly. "What… how did…. Why is your leg gone?" she asked cautiously. 

-------------------

_'That had been the last time I had spoken to Suzahara…'_ Hikari remembered. He had opened up to her in those few minutes. She had found out that he had been given no real choice in the matter… 

NERV had offered to take care of his little sister in their private hospital, giving her the best medicare possible…

His little sister had been injured in Shinji's first battle with the Angels and had been on a very shaky road to recovery, having to wait for treatment. Touji wanting what was best for his sister had accepted, and had ended up dead for it… 'Shinji Ikari… If it wasn't for him, Touji might still have been alive…' Hikari thought bitterly as she drew closer and closer to her final stop within the dead city… The monument…

"WARK" Pen-Pen squawked furiously. The penguin seemed excited about something near the monument. Hikari heard it before she saw it.

A young man wearing a dark jacket was pointing a vengeful finger at one of the statues shouting obscenities.

"GOD DAMN YOU…. It's your fucking fault; it always was your fucking fault! It should have been you dead instead of Touji! It should have been you dead instead of Rei, you dead instead of Misato! INSTEAD OF KAWORU! Asuka didn't deserve to die the way she did, she didn't deserve to die at all! But you! YOU DESERVE THE WORST HELL! Damn it… I hate you! I fucking hate all that you represent! I fucking despise you and your god damn life!" He shouted, before collapsing onto the ground. "Damn you, Shinji Ikari…"the figure let out one last croak before breaking down into random sobbing.

Hikari watched, from several feet away, feeling anger bubble inside of her, as she was reminded once again of Shinji Ikari… Pen-Pen, who was still at her side, however, cocked his head to the side, almost as if to express his curiosity. Before Hikari could say anything, he darted towards the seemingly prone figure. Circling he poked and prodded the figure before letting out a loud squawk.

The figure quit his lamentations immediately, and questioned in a shaky voice, "Pen…Pen-Pen?" He raised his head and stared at the penguin for a moment before grabbing him and hugging him close. "Pen-Pen!" he cried out, overjoyed. Pen-Pen responded by squawking rapidly, overcome with emotion of some sort. Hikari, however, understood it as a cry for help and rushed forth, fear for the penguin's safety overcoming any logic.

"Hey! Let go of my penguin! Let go, right now!" she shouted at the man,  the gruff tone she had used as class representative so long ago, flowing out of her smoothly.

_'Amazing how easily it comes back to you…'_ a little voice in her head marveled.

            The man turned to face her, and let go slowly… Getting to his feet, he apologized, "Forgive me, miss, but might I ask how you came to gain custody of this penguin?" he asked. Hikari could now see his face clearly… He couldn't have been much older than her… However there was something about his eyes…. They were a very dark shade of blue, and had an odd quality to them… it made her feel as she was decades younger than him… His face had a scar, running underneath his right eye… straight across his cheek. The red ravine disappeared into a forest of dark brown hair. 

            Hikari flinched as he looked into her eyes…  She felt an odd compulsion to answer him. "Not that it's any of your business," Hikari said coldly whilst lifting the penguin into the safety of her arms, "but I was asked to take care of him by an… acquaintance." The man simply smiled at that comment. 

            "Funny thing really, as I was a good friend of your acquaintance… A Miss Katsuragi, I believe?" he replied in a tone that was significantly warmer than that of her own. Hikari's eyes went wide for a moment… before she regained her composure. _'Not going to get to me that easily…'_ she thought smugly. 

            "Is that so? I find that just a bit hard to believe… what with you swearing at the top of your lungs at a memorial dedicated to her…And more to the point, at someone she was particularly fond of, whom just happens to be a hero," she stated, with a hint of satisfaction in her voice. This was why she didn't expect the stranger's reaction… 

            He was… _'Smiling?'_ she wondered. "Well… That's true enough, but I'd hardly expect you to be defending Shinji Ikari. After what he did to a certain someone you knew?" he asked; a sad look upon his face. 

            "I… I don't know who you're talking about", Hikari lied quietly, looking away. She simply couldn't bear to look into the stranger's eyes. His eyes reminded her of her father's…. A dark penetrating glare, made worse by familiarity. Suddenly she was shaken out of her contemplation. 

            A pair of hands grabbed her arms, just a little bit below the shoulders, and drew her towards the stranger till they were face to face. "Yes, you know exactly who I'm talking about! Touji Suzahara, a _very_ good friend of Ikari… Evangelion pilot for a day, victim of Ikari's incompetence as a pilot, and on his way to being your boyfriend, Hikari Horaki!" he said, his voice growing louder and louder until… "So just say it! I know you want to say it, and that you've been holding back for years… YOU HATE SHINJI IKARI! You hate him because he as-good-as killed Touji, because he destroyed Tokyo-03, because he couldn't save Asuka… Just say it!"

            Hikari buckled under the force of his words… Once she broke free of his grip, she responded in the only manner she knew… Shouting straight back… 

            "Fine! I hate him! I HATE SHINJI IKARI! I hate him because he killed Touji! I hate him because he hurt Asuka! But most of all I hate him because he's still out there… Because unlike those that actually gave a damn about him, those that died because of him, he survived…" she screamed herself hoarse, not even aware that Pen-Pen had wriggled free of her grip, or that he was currently hiding behind the stranger's leg.

            The stranger laughed… It was a strange laugh, one that you wouldn't expect to hear often; especially given the current circumstances. "Don't you feel so much better now?" the man said quietly. "And you're right, Ikari should have been the one who had to die… not them…"he added. He watched Hikari as she calmed down, and knew quite well that she had not recognized him yet… Wondering what her reaction would be if she had known, he decided to ask her a question after she had calmed down enough. "I have one last question for you… if you were to come face to face with Shinji Ikari, as you are with me now… What would you do?" And then he waited… 

            Hikari found the question, disturbing. It was disturbing because at the moment, even though she had given it thought (imagining a confrontation during the slow days at the restaurant), she had no idea what she would do. As she looked into the stranger's eyes once more… a memory floated to the surface of her mind. A young man, staring at her mournfully from across the classroom… As that image faded, the mournful stare remained. Recognition hit her like a wall of bricks. "Ikari?" she whispered, eyes wide in horror. Shinji simply nodded. "So, class rep, what will you do?"

            She didn't know… To her it was all so very confusing. Everything she thought she had known about him seemed to be false, simply illusions. Asuka had always portrayed him as a perverted, insensitive, jerk. She had trusted Asuka, after all she was a friend, and **_had_** lived with him.  This was all wrong… He wasn't supposed to be feeling guilty for what he had done; he wasn't supposed to care… He wasn't supposed to… understand? 

            Shinji could tell that Hikari was feeling confused. He had felt the same way when faced with a few similar situations… "I see… I can understand how you're feeling right now," he said softly. Hikari's confusion was swiftly replaced with anger as she heard him say those words. 'How dare he!' she thought, 'How dare he presume to know what I've gone through?'

            Shinji felt a slight pain as she slapped him. He didn't even react to it, choosing to ignore it and just stand there. Hikari decided to slap him again… and again… and again. His assaulted face became redder and redder, until finally she drew blood.  She was about to hit him again, when she noticed it… and finally realized what it was that he was doing. 

            "Why?" Hikari questioned, "Why are you doing this? Why are you provoking me?!" She clenched her fists, pinning them down to her sides.  Shinji waited a moment, letting the blood trickle down his cheek. "Must you really ask? You know what it is that I've done… what I am," he said solemnly. 

            "Damn it… he's right,' Hikari thought, suddenly feeling very guilty, 'he's the only one who can understand my pain… If anything, I'm the one incapable of understanding him.' "Ikari, I apolog-" Hikari began, but was cut off immediately by Shinji.

"Don't, I deserved that, so please don't… don't apologize for doing them a kindness," he said, turning to face the memorial, "Besides, it's only a moment's pain… Isn't that what you felt before I killed you, Kaworu? Wasn't it simply one long moment, then sweet nothingness, as I sat there unable to stop it, Touji?" Shinji wondered aloud. "I'm sorry, what I meant to say, Miss Horaki, is… that you have no reason to feel guilty for hitting me… for you have not had to kill, nor has anyone been killed due to your lack of action…", he ended. 

"Suzahara…" Hikari whispered, as she realized who he was talking about. Shinji turned back to her, and nodded. "He told me that it was your unit that did it but…" Hikari began to speak, but found that she couldn't continue. The memory was too much for her. Shinji considered prompting her for additional information. He hadn't been able to summon the courage to talk to Touji in the period between his death and the incident. He had lived for the past three years, not knowing whether his friend had forgiven him or if he hated him for what he had done. "He never got to finish…" Shinji ended her thought for her, realizing that she couldn't. "I'm terribly sorry that I had to make you re-live that, and I'm sorry that you had to run into me today…" Shinji apologized. "I can tell that you've been taking good care of Pen Pen... so I'd like to make one request of you." Hikari nodded slowly, wondering what it was. "Please continue doing so," he said as he crouched. He then proceeded to lay down numerous bouquets before the monument. "Of course…" Hikari whispered as she watched him get up. "Thank you," he said as he turned to face her, before walking past. 

_'I can't just let him leave'_, she thought as he brushed against her, _'Not after all he's said…' _She wanted to know more. She wanted to know the real Shinji Ikari. Not the jerk that Asuka had known, not the quiet guy in class that seemed to blush at the slightest female contact, and not the monster of her own creation. She tried to think of something to say, something to make him stop and turn around again. Something that would let her get into his head. So she said the first thing that came to mind.

"Did you also come to forget?" she blurted out loudly. Shinji stopped in mid-stride. "Did you come so that you could let go, or am I wrong?" Hikari continued desperately, hoping he would speak. Shinji remained motionless and silent. 

Hikari sighed and looked away, embarrassed at what she had done. She was about to apologize, when Shinji finally spoke. "No, you're both wrong and right… I came to pay my respects, and to see if it was possible to begin a new life here", he laughed, turning.

"And?" Hikari egged him on with a slight grin, enthused by her success. She wasn't the only one that was curious. Shinji had noticed that this girl…. This woman from his past had gone from seemingly hating him with every fiber of her being, to showing an extreme interest in him. _'Does she find me attractive? No… not physically, she finds my mystery fascinating… she wants to know the truth… That look, it's all too familiar,'_ he sighed as he remembered Misato's visage during the final weeks of her life. She had looked hungry… always hungry. Hungering for her truth. 

_'Perhaps I should give her a morsel?'_ Shinji wondered as he thought of what he could throw to Hikari. "It's different here, yet it feels as if I still know it intimately… I can tell that for the sake of speed they used the original plans… It's still very unfamiliar… All of the old shelters, Evangelion lifts, and armament buildings are gone, but the layout of the city and what lies beneath it are basically the same… I really don't know if I could ever start a life that would be truly new here…"

Hikari nodded sympathetically, before she put in her bit. "I know what you mean, but I managed to find a new life here… true, there'll always be that link to my old one, but… sometimes, it's a good thing…" she chuckled as she bent down to pet Pen-Pen. 

That comment had caught Shinji somewhat off-guard. He wasn't expecting it from Hikari.

"It depends on what sort of link it is…" Shinji responded, inching forward. Hikari remained in a crouch, turning to thoughts of their time in that old classroom… all those years ago…

-------------------

            "Rise, bow, sit down!" Hikari shouted over the tumult of the crowded classroom 2-A. She chuckled mentally as she prepared herself for what had to be her favorite part of the day. "Show some respect!" she cried out in outrage. She did so with a certain satisfaction to boot. When she realized that no one was going to listen, she faked a sigh and decided that she would have to take it to the next level. An example had to be made.

'But whom shall it be? Gato? Izumi? Aida? Anno?' she pondered as she observed the herd of students.  She looked upon them with the finely tuned eyes of a predator. She watched for a sleepy student, one that was being perfectly innocent, devoid of any crime… She found several candidates. 

-------------------

Shinji too, remembered those days long past… a particular incident came to mind.

-------------------

            Shinji Ikari sighed as he put his head down onto his desk. The class was in an uproar over something or other, it had been a long time since he actually cared why. The class rep, was probably going to be knocking some heads off soon anyways, and he figured that keeping a low profile was best if he wanted to keep his unscathed. He closed his eyes, tried to force the sweet embrace of sleep unto himself. Found that he couldn't. He tried to block out the noise around him, and succeeded to a small degree… Suddenly he heard footsteps approaching, getting closer and closer. 

            "Ikari!" the dreaded voice shouted. Everything went silent as the sheep turned to watch one of their numbers confront the now fearsome wolf. Shinji lifted his head with a sigh to face certain unpleasantness. Pressure mounted, as the two stared each other down.

"Go change the water in the vases!" the rep ordered, at last, breaking the tensions with but a few words. 

            "Yes, class rep…" Shinji sighed as he got up and played the role of the martyr unwittingly.

-------------------

            "Why did… you choose me?" Shinji asked as the flashback ended. "Huh? What do you mean?" inquired, confused. "That one time in class, when I had just put my head down… when everyone had been shouting… The day you seemingly chose me out of the blue to go change the water in the flower vases… I know now that you wanted to make an example of someone… I just wanted to know if it was for a specific reason, or if it was just random", Shinji clarified, seeming a little embarrassed at his outburst. 

            Hikari simply blinked for a few moments, as she stared at his slightly reddened face. Suddenly a fountain of mirth burst forth from her lips as she began to laugh. 

            A part of Shinji's mind noted that it was a nice laugh, very carefree, almost innocent in tone. The rest of him wondered why she was laughing. 

            Hikari finally got a hold of herself, and when she felt that she was calm enough to answer, she did. "Well, you weren't exactly a random pick… but it wasn't as if I had just zeroed in on you at first… I guess it was a subconscious decision. You being a friend of Touji's after all…" _'Why was I laughing so hard?'_ she pondered, as she looked down at the ground.

             Now it was Shinji's turn to laugh, and Hikari's turn to observe. _'I should've known!' _he thought as he laughed for the first time in years. Only moments later an absurd thought popped into his head. Ask her if she'd like to grab a drink somewhere. To him it was clear that they had much to talk about, and the prospect of taking up residence in the re-born Tokyo-03 was becoming more and more attractive to him. 

            "I should think that you're probably getting a little tired of just standing there, right?" Shinji asked, with a slight grin on his face, "How about we continue this over, say, a cup of coffee? Somewhere we can sit down?"

            Hikari raised an eyebrow at that question. _'What's going on here? Only a few minutes ago we were angsting together, and now he's practically asking me out?'_ she frowned mentally, considering his proposal to have a nice warm drink somewhere comfortable. It didn't sound half-bad down in the damp, cold depths of the Geofront.

            Shinji smacked himself mentally. 'Idiot, what did you just do? You've got her confused, and then what do you do? Confuse her some more… Argh!'

"Sure, why not? I know just the place", she answered, putting Shinji's fears to rest. She smiled, turned, and began to make for the station that was on the other side of the sea of graves. "Wark" was all that their mutual feathered friend had to say about the entire exchange.

 Shinji raised his eyebrows in surprise before he finally began to move… 'Move forward with my life… move on… Yes… That's what I'm doing… moving on' he thought with a smile. A shout from ahead caught his attention, "Hey! Get a move on already!" He saw that Hikari and Pen-Pen were already halfway to the station. He ran to catch up. In his mind, he ran towards the promise of rebirth. 

Hikari sighed happily as the trio finally got into the train… "Goodbye…" she whispered as the train began its run. Shinji was thinking the same words in his mind. 

(================================)

On the surface, rain continued to beat down on Tokyo-03… 

FIN

A/N – 

_I can't tell all of you that have been slowly watching this fic progress over the past few months, how glad I am that it's finally over and done with... Whether it turned out as good as any of us would have expected is up to the people that will read this in the future. There's also a slim chance that I may just write a multi-chaptered sequel to this, to further explore the possibilities of a relationship forming between the two…. As I said though, the chance is slim._

_            As some of you may have guessed already, my primary inspiration for this oneshot was Seldon's Birthday of a Pilot. Many thanks go out to him for writing it, for without BoP, I don't think Remembering the Rain would have ever been conceived. I'd also like to thank Fool's Gold, who has been my faithful quasi-pre-reader since this fic's conception. _

Date Initiated: November 19, 2003

Date Completed: May 08, 2004


End file.
